When Does a Contact Become a Relationship?

In starting Ticklr I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the difference between a contact and a relationship. I’ve got lots of contacts. There are over 1200 of them in my address book, plus hundreds on my various social networks. Not to mention random lists of email addresses and phone numbers I’ve collected through various events and organizations.

But a relationship is different than that. I can’t say I have a relationship with most of the people in those address books. Even my social networking “friends” are mostly made up of people I haven’t talked to in ages (except for the obligatory “how have you been? It’s been so long!” exchange that follows that initial friend request.) No, relationships have a completely distinct set of properties that make them special.

For many it’s easy to tell the difference. Obviously – I have a relationship with my brother. An old classmate is nothing more than a contact.

But where is the line between them exactly? How do you categorize an old college buddy (we used to talk all the time… but not so much anymore). What about my plumber? (By now he kind of knows me). What makes a contact become a relationship?

Here’s what I think. A relationship has to have these elements:

• A purpose or foundation – There is a shared reason that people come together to start a relationship. And while it may change, both people must have that initial need upon which the other aspects of the relationship are built.
• A personal connection – I’m not talking about sharing intimate secrets. In fact a personal connection doesn’t even require that you know personal stuff about the other person. In this case, the connection you need is something beyond the strict business at hand. It may be deeply emotional, or as light as knowledge of a common interest. But the relationship can’t start until both parties are humanized to each other, and that happens through a personal connection.
• A sense of value – each party must be getting something out of the relationship, whether it is money or knowledge or even just friendship. It can be highly asymmetrical, but it must exist on both sides. Relationships obviously take time. This represents the “ROI” or “return on investment” each individual receives.
• Trust over time – each person needs to know that they will continue to get value out of this relationship over time. This is what keeps the relationship going, a solid expectation that more benefits will come down the road.

What am I missing? Comment below and share your thoughts on the definition of a relationship.